Making It Up As I Go
In high school, I took (and failed) an improv class. For a long time I thought it was because I like structure and predictability. Historically, I’ve gone into every unfamiliar situation as informed as possible. This has been generally helpful; it has also gotten me some mockery, but when people need a plan Z, they know who to come to. Research has given me confidence in new situations; nearly anything can be learned from a book (just ask my first kiss).
Over time, though, two things shifted: I faced fewer and fewer public (that’s an important qualifier) new situations, and I started to be more fully myself. (Having a smartphone has also helped, since I know I can look things up as needed, rather than needing to know them before leaving home, but I digress.)
A few weeks ago, I attended an interactive showing of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I knew the basics of the plot, but hadn’t actually seen the movie before. Upon my arrival, I confirmed this to a man in a green smock whose hairstyle I recognized as being a reference to Tim Curry’s character. “May I?” he asked, wielding a tube of red lipstick. “You’re only a virgin once, after all.” I offered my face and felt him draw a V on my cheek. Prior to the movie starting, the marked audience members were called onto the stage for what I strongly suspected was going to be a mild hazing ritual. Among other activities, I was handed a red balloon and told to “pop [my] cherry,” which I did with great efficiency. As I traipsed back to my seat with a balloon fragment in hand, it struck me that at no point in that process had I felt the slightest bit anxious or embarrassed, even with the unknowns (and suspicions) involved.
And I realized that what I was researching was never the situation; I was practicing how the person I pretended to be would react in the situation. Without the felt need to waste all of my energetic resources putting up a false front, I actually now have the ability to fully engage with the moment.
In a way, this realization has also helped me with moving uncertainty: I don’t have to be anything other than myself. I don’t have to pretend to have it all together, or act like I have a plan. I can mourn what I’ll truly miss, and release what I won’t, without questioning my own priorities or worrying about feeling the right way about something.
Right now, given the almost complete lack of useable information, I’m clearing out things that I don’t want to move, and reading a lot of books and listening to a lot of podcasts to keep my brain from trying make plans with insufficient data. At this point most action would be a futile exercise in trying to guess what picture a 100 piece puzzle is forming with only three of the pieces, so I’m going to save those guesses (and that energy) for later. As a twist on Maya Angelou’s “when you know better, do better,” when I know more, I’ll do more. In the meantime, if anyone has podcast recommendations (I’m really into sapphic advice/slice of life right now), I welcome them, as I’m nearly out of back episodes.